Te nonāk viss, kam vairs nav vietas Helsas galvā

Depression

Living in Luxembourg made me strong and brave. It started with breaking my heart into thousand pieces by taking everything I had hoped for away..again. It continued with alienation of the society as I had no idea where I was and I knew no one around me living alone far away from everyone to even make social contacts with people and having no phone/TV/Internet. It made me start to smoke cigarettes. It took me through anorexia. It made me drink extensively. It made me depressed and I was going to school because it was necessary for my survival as a human being and sleeping for pretty much the whole weekends..that’s 2 long days of being completely alone in a tiny room without nothing but a pen and paper and some books every week plus the school holidays and damn is there a lot of school holidays in European School of Luxembourg. I went mad I invented people and talked with them I hit walls I had more panic attacks than I can count. I bought myself a pet rat and loved it but then decided that it’s wrong of me to keep it and I killed it. I did not hurt myself for I hated myself so much that killing myself seemed to be stupid I wanted myself to suffer because I thought that’s all I was for anyway. Anyone who reads through my Luxembourg day poems can see how destroyed my world was and how less of a human I had left in me. But Luxembourg made me strong and brave.
Luxembourg made me strong and brave as I found peace in waking up just before the sun was up and packing nothing but 2 slices of bread and a bottle of beer going for sometimes up to 8 hour walks in the forest and mountains..completely alone no way of knowing where am I going I was just walking the paths..and I kept doing that for months..just going for very long walks trying to meditate instead of thinking of the things that happened around me I tried to stop thinking altogether. It was abnormally hard to get out at first but every day it got a little bit better and after a while I started to trust myself a little more and think of killing myself a little less. The sadness in me had less and less power over me on daily basis and I understood that I am a survivor no matter how hard the life would hit me I could take it. 
Now Luxembourg made me strong and brave but it did not cure me. I still want to kill myself on most days and somewhere deep inside I still am utterly sad seemingly without a reason and sometimes I get all sweaty wet and screaming in my dreams and sometimes I stop breathing and sometimes I faint. There are things I cannot fight and illnesses that are incurable. But there is strength within that allows me to live seemingly carelessly and overall happily. And for that I can say thank you to Luxembourg.

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