Te nonāk viss, kam vairs nav vietas Helsas galvā

Ego boosting lesson

I love these evenings.. chilling with a glass of wine and trying to figure out where the hell am I in my life.  And then.. all the memories of last night and after party comes to me.. and oh my god.. I guess yesterday I must have done something wrong ’cause I’m giggling a lot and I’m glad I ran away from the guy who was buying drinks for me and my friends all the time 😀 I know that he’ll be in The Club next week.. and I’ll feel shame of great extent. Eh.. screw him. I was a good girl.

Yesterday Madara told me about 100 times that I am not beautiful, well.. she said something about me not being ugly.. and something about me being sexy.. and something about me being just like the other girls in Latvia. I can agree on the point that I am not beautiful.. ’cause well.. when compared to beauty standards.. I hit none. BUT I am not like others.. I do not dress like others.. I do not act like others. I do not think like others. I am Helsa. I am a fucking great personality. (That’s the pro code for yeah I’m ugly in most situations.. but sometimes the beautiful ones have an excellent personality too.. trust me.. I’m a doctor) I know I’m awesome ’cause my friends are awesome. And I get everything I want ’cause I’ve got the attitude and the style.I’m not afraid to ask. I will not hesitate to give when I know I can afford it. I know how to deal with people. And most of all.. I’m of a good will and clean heart that one can feel even though cannot see. I get guys on knees begging for my telephone number and I won’t give it away. I get those guys wanting to be my friends and lovers.. and I won’t care. ’cause I can feel who’s a good person and who’s just a bunch of stereotypes of how one should look and act to be attractive to others put together. I will pick the one who’s got the heart the soul and brains inside. I’ve got a keen eye on that. If a guy should ever date me.. that guy should be as freaking sophisticated as I am myself. Do I have to feel bad for treating the others like marionettes? I doubt it.

If the other girls would be more like me.. they’d be happier. :p
And the best part is.. I think I know most of my weaknesses.. and I think I can change most of them in to something that’s special over the time.. believe me.. I can do miracles with myself. I’ve done them before.. I can do them again. In two years I’m moving to Canada or USA.. I’ll have some time and privacy and money to work on myself there. If I do come back to Latvia (just to visit.. I’m not going to live her anymore after I move away and I mean it. This place is not for me.).. I bet none will recognize me for the first glance or even the second. Then I’ll pull out some of my jokes or smirks.. and then I’ll get all the approval I want. Well even I do want people to love me. I guess that’s why I’m so nice around them. I don’t want to hear others telling me how not beautiful I am when I’ve just crawled out of the pit of complete misery of self mocking. Thanks to my beloved sister, of course, since she was the one who said she wouldn’t be friends with me anymore if ever again I got myself into a depression for not being perfect.
Oh.. and there’s one more thing. I do not believe in beauty standard myself. I see those beautiful girls and I think to myself.. they all look the same. Those girls are ten a penny. They try so hard to look good that they completely miss the point of being themselves. Why would one want to look like the others? Is fitting in so important? I may not understand it since.. well.. since I’ve always been some kind of an outsider. I don’t have the guts to put on the same mask as everyone else is wearing ’cause.. I don’t really think it would fit my face.. and I love my face too much to give it away just for a goddamn worn out cheap mask. Never the less I will give a chance to every one who dares to cross my way to prove him/herself worthy.

Yesterday.. I was drunk. I was really drunk. Hey dad! If you’re reading this.. better stop. NOW.

So.. yeah.. when Rita accused me of being slow and not wanting to date guys when so many of them ask me to.. I couldn’t hold it in me anymore so I cried out loudly.. I don’t fucking give a damn about guys! And that is when Rita and Madara both understood that well yeah.. I’m a lesbian. But they were alright with it. Mojo was shocked. She said she’d never see that coming ’cause when she was throwing herself on to me I was acting like I don’t give a damn. Hehe.. and believe me.. that girl is more than just sexy so I can understand her being shocked. For fucks sake she was on my mind for the rest of the week. But I can act. I can be cunning to get those lads coming. So now they know. Hopefully they’ll keep their mouths shut as promised for..  I don’t want to get myself into trouble. I’ve got enough trouble with being for who I am already. After all.. it’s not something to go out and brag about. I rather like to keep in in my blog for only those who really care about me as a friend will read this and when they do.. I’m about 80 per cent sure that they will understand. And if not.. screw them.

Alright I’m  tired and I want to go to sleep now. I know it’s really early.. but I’ve partied hard, slept just a little bit, said my goodbyes to my godfather who got to Moscow today only to sign some papers.. ’cause he’s going to be back in Latvia tomorrow. Business people. 🙂 One day I’ll be one of them.. travelling across the states.. maybe even continents.

All I do – I do for myself. ‘Cause I’m going to be a better person one day.  Maybe even happier.

Oh.. that’s a fun thing too. People think I’m happy. They really do. Only the ones who actually know me knows that I’m the exact opposite of happy. Of course I’m smiling and cheering.. that’s my way of surviving. If I’d see sad faces everywhere and couldn’t do anything about it.. I guess I couldn’t hold all my pain inside. I’ve always been the milestone of this family, the backbone for my mother, the father for my brother, I do not cry ’cause it’s a sign of weakness I cannot afford to show. Even though I still say that only strong women dares to cry ’cause you have to be brave to show the world that you’re hurt. If I cry.. this pyramid I’ve been building over the time to save the family values and at least some kind of a good spirit inside will start to shake. I’ve put loads of effort to save it.. ever since my parents got divorced and my mother tried to commit suicide when I was only 8 years old. If I cry I’m doomed. I wanted to leave Latvia last year.. I even got myself into Dundee one of the nicest business universities in Scotland.. my mother had a nervous breakdown. But I will break out.. I’m sorry but I have to spread my wings once in a while. I need to fly to get some satisfaction. Of course I’m smiling and cheering and laughing.. it’s my fucking way of surviving. I need others to be happy so I can see them and forget about myself. So.. you wanted to know why am I such a good person who always wants to be a better one? ‘Cause even I dream of a better place, of a better world and most of all.. of happier me.

I guess that’s all the motivation I need to do good deeds.



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