Te nonāk viss, kam vairs nav vietas Helsas galvā

Next year.

Well.. as you might know.. I quit my job.. the New Years Eve will be my last night at the club.. and next year will be different for me in more than just one way. You see I’ve decided to dedicate next year for myself..that means I’ll care more for me and therefore I’ll be able to care a little bit more for others too.. when I’ll have time for it. I’ll finally call Selga to arrange my meeting with her, ’cause I want to know and understand some things about myself, my powers and those silly black shadows that keep following me around unpleasantly. Also I really want to rest a bit.. have some fun at the parties, be able to read a good book or two at the evenings, watch a funny movie. I’m going to visit doctors.. ’cause my health is really down..sometimes my heart and lungs hurt without a reason. Also there will be some other changes that I wish to keep secret. I hope that 1 to 2 months will be enough to get myself together and renew my powers ’cause I don’t think I can live like this for much longer.. and I think last month has proved this to be true – as I lost my car and nearly lost my life with it just ’cause I was too damn tired to understand what I’m doing.. and as I was so tired..I didn’t even care. And what the hell..really? If I’m not caring about myself and my car when I clearly see that I could be dead at that very moment.. how can I really care for anything? I feel like everything’s drained away from me and I want to get it back..
Also I understood some things while I was keeping my bow of silence.. there are people that actually cares about me and will talk to me even when I’m not answering, they’re nice people.. and when I’ll finally talk to them they’ll say something like “it’s really nice to finally hear your voice” or “I missed talking with you not to you”.. and there are people that will claim to care about me but will never call me, never ask me anything and will never try to be friends with me if I’m not asking them to be so by violently breaking into their rooms to ask random questions.  They might hide by saying “oh we’re shy and we don’t want to bother you” but the actual thing I hear beneath those words are “I don’t want to talk to you and I’m happy I don’t have to as long as you don’t persuade me to do otherwise by talking to me. Actually I’m just being polite.. and that’s about it” I don’t want to be around polite people.. I want to be around friends. Friends are not polite, friends are caring, asking and sharing. I want to be around jolly people that will joke and that will laugh. I want to be around my family a lot more ’cause I’ve deserved to spend time with them while they last. It’s only 2 more years in Latvia for me.. I’d better spend it with those who actually cares about me and will actually make me feel better. I want to spend some quality time and I want to get more adventures out of my life. I refuse to be the joker in the funeral for much longer. I’m sorry to disappoint you.

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