I talk a lot. You know that. Maybe a lot more than I should ’cause I’m saying things I’m not proud of pretty often. But then again.. this is my life and I accept it as it is. I don’t want to be all white and shiny, I’ve got my mistakes to make.. and I’ll tell about them so others can learn. So..
This is not about what I’m proud of.
This is about who I am.
And I’m more than just a list of good deeds I’ve done.
I’m Helsa. I am awesome.
I’m maita – butcher in the streets, femme in the sheets.
I’m murky – probably the sweetest, cutest childlike wondering soul you’ll ever meet. If you will.
I’m grinch – the annoying beast that will take your things away just to entertain oneself.
I’ m Anna – sensible, active, sophisticated, independent, strong yet naive and sensitive.
I won’t fight myself away for anyone. I won’t kill any sides of me for the sake of others. We might not get along too well sometimes. But we’re one body and one soul. I don’t have to change myself.. ’cause each and every side of me changes itself every day.
If I want to.. I’ ll dance in the streets and wish a good day to every stranger I meet. If I’ ll want to.. I’ll spend all my money on gifts. I’ll talk to creatures you’ve never seen.. I’ll be afraid to cross the street. I’ ll be too tired to not speak in my own language. I’ll say something you won’ t understand. I won’ t make sense.. and then I will. I’ll be hysterically afraid I’m going crazy.. I’ll not eat for days and then get full of a one half of a fruit. I’ll write shitty poetry. I’ll hate. I’ll love. I’ll do everything to make everybody happy, then turn around and act like I don’t give a nickel. I’ll predict future. I’ll make new friends..I’ll never call them again. I’ll bring a toy to university and play with it. I will be afraid of what others are thinking of me.. then.. I won’ t care at all. I’ll cry over silly things but stay calm when big things affect me strongly and badly. I’ll act like I’ m the queen of the world. I’ll take care of every single little thing I see on the streets. I’ll cook pancakes and waffles in the morning, when my friends are awaking.. I’ll say that I can’ t cook at all and will ask you to make me a sandwich. I’ll think and say terrible things about myself. I’ll brag about being superb. I’ll do loads of things that contradicts each other.. and I’ll do loads of things that others wouldn’ t do. But.. then again.. I’m only one person. There’ s nothing special about me.. except everything. Andris spent hours of trying to persuade me to think positive about myself last year. Maybe he did succeed after all. Thanks, friend.
I’ve never asked you to understand me.
If you can’t you don’t have to accept me.
I love me the way I am.
I love my attitude.
I love my life.