Te nonāk viss, kam vairs nav vietas Helsas galvā

Silver and dust

As you may know.. or even if you don’t.. now you will.. my first sense is smell.. I can remember a smell better than anything else.. it does not help me to learn, but it sure helps me to associate myself with any situation..get flashbacks and understand the nature a bit better. Well.. right now I’m feeling the smell of my car just after the crash.. the hot fuzz of melting plastic and oil, the gasses from the cars engine..everything together. I don’t think I’ll ever forget this smell. I loved my car.. I loved how it smelled before the crash.. to be honest.. I bought this car ’cause I loved the smell of it, the other one just didn’t smell as nice as this one did. And now.. feeling the stench.. I’m a little bit sad. I loved that car.. a lot. We had loads of great moments together.. it was a strong car.. a really strong one.. even after the accident it looks good from the back..and even though the back of the car was full of glasses..not a single one of them was broken. It was a safe car.. it was a nice car.. it was a beautiful car.. it was my special someone I’d sing songs to I’d spend my money on and I’d take on every trip I went knowing that there’s at least one thing in the world I can trust on.. and now.. I’ve destroyed it. Now.. I’m empty handed again.. I’ve got nothing eternal to love. Of course I love my family and my dogs.. but I don’t trust on them.. they’re something I can’t lie my finger on and say..this will live forever or at least as long as I’ll keep a good care of it. Phones are dead ringers… so… even though I’m saying that that’s just a bunch of metal.. every single word in that sentence hurts me and feels like a betrayal. I’ve betrayed my best friend, I’ve disappointed my one true love. I’ve killed the last good deed my grandfather gave to me. I’m nothing but a horrible person. Yes, this is how materialistic I am.. if there were robots.. I’d fall in love in one of them instead of trying to find someone from my own species.
My mother said that she, my grandmother and my godmother would not resist the thought of me dying at the accident.. she said that they’d loose their minds if something like that happened to me. I’m so sorry I did trouble their minds ’cause they’re still weeping over my grandfather.. to have another death in the same month would not be fair to them.. even if I wouldn’t mind to die, I have to live on.. for the sake of my family. Even if it makes no sense to me.

Otherwise.. I’m smiling and dancing around carelessly on the streets.. I’d rather prefer others to see a strange bonkers in me than a depressed madman. My ex-wife said that I’m genius madman. Maybe I really am.

And what I wish most right now.. to be at the tea room Goija, listen to this song… and feel free..have a little pep talk with my long lost friends..and cry my heart out at the shoulder of my ex wife ’cause she knew how to deal with me when I was at the worst places than I’m in now.. but I have none to trust myself to anymore.. I’m just a lost soul with no friends. My family is lovely and the friends I have are awesome.. but.. they won’t get me and they won’t care enough to show me the world in its true colors again. I can have fun with them.. but I’ll never get a single serious conversation out of them. Not a single real opinion.. these people won’t tell me what they think about anything ’cause they’re not willing to show their world to me.. they do not trust me enough no matter how hard to I try.

Now I’ve got 9 more days of silence. Sometimes I need these.. I’m still happy if anyone tries to disturb me.. but I do need these ’cause otherwise I don’t understand the world. These days of silence clarifies my skies.. so I can see things.. some of them will change my attitude.. I might loose my friends again if they’ll prove themselves as persons that does not care even a single snap of me.. but I guess I’ll find some more strength in me to get myself going whichever way I choose to take.

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