Te nonāk viss, kam vairs nav vietas Helsas galvā

Don’t look in the mirror.

I’m worried. I’m sad. I’m tired. I do not even know what to do about all of this. I hope I have not failed. Where’s the ultimate truth? Why is it so hard to keep all the little pieces of the puzzle together? Why do I loose my concentration powers more and more often? I’m just a fucking crazy broken mess. I must fight. I’ve to overcome my fears. Why? I’ll shut up.

Hah.. that’s the one thing I might have to do anyway. Ridley in her twitter account said that noone should talk to her anymore. Unless one would know that she won’t mind coming and talking to her. I’m not sure either my presence is something she’d not mind. I can’t ask her either ’cause.. that’d be talking to her while not being allowed to do so. I guess I’ll have to wait till she wants to talk to me herself. I don’t think that’ll happen. She never comes to talk to me by her own will. I don’t want to lose such a great friend. But if it’s her choice I can’t do anything about it but respect. So I’ll shut up and I won’t bother her anymore. Not happy about it.

Maybe I should isolate myself from this society like I planned to do some time earlier. So no one sees the crazy flaws in me that get’s more and more of my mind. I mean.. hearing voices, seeing demons, talking to ghosts.. everything’s alright, that’s how I’ve used to be since childhood.. the thing is.. they’re starting to follow me around, and lately they seem to want to do bad things to me. That’s what I’m scared about.. I do not want my soul to be separated from my body. Lately it’s really hard to stay alone, but it’s even harder to get a grip of myself so I wouldn’t do anything stupid in front of other people.

I don’t think my friends will notice if I disappear. ‘Cause I’ve always been the one that keeps on bothering them all the time. Maybe they’ll be only happy to rest. At least that’s what maita says. But if I give all the control to her.. I’m afraid of what she’s capable of. Last time I gave all my control.. I lost all of my friends, my family hated me, I did not have a place to go. I almost got myself on drugs instead of pain pills. What the hell should I do?

2 responses

  1. you should rest, honey. everytime I see you you’re running around making anyone else happier than they we’re moments ago. I see you laughing, joking, doing something that noone else probably would do for others.
    you need to rest. just a bit or more.
    try to fight with maita or something, don’t give up, cuz I really need you in my life. seriously.

    ah,sorry bout mistakes,I hardly see what I’m typing so that’s quite good excuse

    Decembris 1, 2011 plkst. 18:31

  2. Why can’t you see your typing? Sitting in dark or sinking in tears? Please, hold on, be strong!

    I’m not going to rest..If I take a step back.. I’ll fall in the abyss of thoughts that I’m useless, thoughts of suicide commitment. Making someone smile is the one thing that keeps me going. I’m running on smile like my car is running on petrol. Once I’ll take a rest, I won’t be able to keep myself busy and maita will take a complete control over me. I trust her enough not to kill me, but right now I can’t promise you more than that.

    Decembris 1, 2011 plkst. 20:24

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