Te nonāk viss, kam vairs nav vietas Helsas galvā


This was a really bad Monday. The day itself was fine.. nothing bad happened actually.

When I woke up..I felt that this day wouldn’t be an ordinary one. I welcomed my back pains like an old neighbor I’ve been fighting with for 8 years, opened my eyes and looked through the window. The weather looked rather disgusting – chilly wind, wet leaves..not fun. I do love autumn, I like cold and rain, but there was something more I didn’t approve of that gave me the unpleasant feeling. I wanted to stay in my bed or to walk in the streets with my blanket wrapped around me, but the responsible girl came out and sent me to school anyway, she even got me dressed properly and have an apple for breakfasts. She’s really taking care of me when I won’t. Another pro when you’ve split personalities. At the university.. my friend told me she wouldn’t geocache with me in Bauska and I was rather disappointed by it, even though it was sort of a relief ’cause I was kind of short of money to pay for the fuel anyway. Hah.. well sometimes I wish for 2 completely different things at the same time. Also.. when I came into the class I noticed that my favorite person from the whole course Sindija was missing. Hah.. I remember how at the start of the last year I thought I should go talk to her when she sat there alone in the class, but as I’m shy.. well.. I didn’t dare to disturb her silence. Now we’re kind of friends. She does not trust me, and that is fine ’cause no one does. I don’t think I’d trust myself either. It’s funny though ’cause even when I am the one person that’s always ready to help in every goddamn way, always keen to say good words and to entertain.. I seem to not be trustworthy well maybe that’s ’cause I am a freak of nature. The only sad thing is.. that I’d love to find someone like me to use him or her the way all the rest of the world uses me. Ehh.. but I’ve to be careful with the things I wish for ’cause most of them are bound to come true one day or another. Anyway.. her absence made me sad.. but just a little bit. Then I went to sit at the back.. tried to write the lecture down.. well I really did try to do it, but my hand writing went crazy and I couldn’t write a single word..but when I did it was illegible, so after a whole hour of trying to concentrate to write and failing at doing so.. I gave up writing for the whole day, ’cause there’s no point in writing if you can’t read it afterwards.. pointless paper wasting. The fact that my grandfather is in hospital and I’m not sure how well’s he doing ’cause he’s an old man and he’s always talking about dying anyway.. well that did not help me at all. Then I thought of what has happened to me.. and well.. you know all the depressing things I’ve got in my mind just popped out so I wanted to crush my fists against a wall or at least to hide from everyone but I held myself together perfectly.. until that fucking bastard woke up.. yeah that’s right the one that’s in my head and screws up with me all the time.. so yei..more pain for me. It started at the side of my neck and burned its way to the part of the nape that’s right next to my right ear, where it had it’s echo like a mad mans clock – bump-bump-bump. Oh the sufferings, I’m almost too used to them to describe them properly. Well that is when I finally reached out for some help on twitter. All I wanted is to hear from someone that everything would be ok. That’s not too much ’cause no one really has to help me.. I do not think that 3 words is too much to ask for. Well.. twitter’s grown out and now’s it’s not like it used to be… it was a happy place for happy people.. now it’s full of sarcasm and coldness. Sindija sent me sms, that said just the words I needed to hear. Thank you a lot for that. 🙂 I really do appreciate it. The next 2 hours were like hell to me. But then I got in to my car, drove to the Jelgavas palace, took my place at the car lot and for 2 hours I just relaxed, listening to my favorite music on iPod and reading novel The Beautiful Darkness, really did help me to get a little bit better. PR lessons were fun as always, but when I got home, I crawled in the bed, opened the web and.. in a short moment I was out of breath.. fighting for a gasp I was close to the end.. but trough all the pains I managed to write, to read, to understand.. I guess that’s 21st century.. well at least for me ’cause when I’m in my bed.. my laptop is just about 30cm away from my head, and the same goes for my phone and GPS.. I’m not going to think what influence this will have to my body and brains in 10 years or so. I’m a tech girl.. when I was 3 years old I used something like paint but more interesting on my fathers Mac.. and I’m talking about 1991. In Latvia most of the population didn’t even know there’s such thing as computer. So.. I guess I’ll tweet about my own death when I’ll face one. I got my breath back.. so everything’s more or less fine right now.. and I do hope it will stay so or get better, but not worse. The one thing I do love about myself is that.. I can cry in pains and ask for help at the same time while cheering up and joking. None will notice the difference ’cause no one really cares. I’m just a clown, an entertainment, a joke.
I finished the novel.. and the next one – The Beautiful Chaos will be on stores in a week.. and that’s good I guess 🙂 These books are heavy to carry but easy to read, so they’re quite recommendable for reading before sleeping to tune your brain out.

So.. yeah.. this was the day of pain. But.. pains are so much better than nothing at all.


2 responses

  1. hey hey hey,I do trust you but in some kind of a different way. like,not like I trust [or don’t trust] others,but you know that I just can’t lie you and if something’s wrong or just went perfect, you’re the one from my friends who’ll know all the truth. nothing but the truth.
    yes,I don’t trust anyone but in some other different level. when it’s about how I feel or what I feel..you’re the one I’ll tell everything. and I don’t know why. or maybe I know.

    anyway,I really hope that your grandfather’s fine ;]
    and yeah,”I rather feel pain that nothing at all” *nods*

    Oktobris 10, 2011 plkst. 22:37

    • Hey.. okey so you do trust me.. in a way. 🙂 Good to know it.
      Yeah thanks… I think he’ll be just fine. 🙂

      Oktobris 10, 2011 plkst. 23:45


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