Te nonāk viss, kam vairs nav vietas Helsas galvā

I had a dream..

This morning I woke up dead, as usual.. happy for being alive in one reality or another. Feeling my back bones twitching in pains.. being satisfied by the ability to stand up and walk, it takes a lot of courage and motivation to move, when you’re in my condition, so better don’t be!

But last night I had a dream.. and it was the happiest dream I’ve had in ages ’cause.. well.. usually I’ve got terrible nightmares of suffering only. This was different.

The other world screams for meI was in a forest house, fighting against a man who loved to torture his girlfriend in ways I’m afraid to describe, I didn’t see those crimes either must be too terrifying for my imagination… I just had the feeling that it’s the worst you can do to a person, I heard those screams of agony, my heart almost ripped off my veins and arteries ’cause of them. He almost chopped me in pieces with his rusty and old axe.. I got wounded, my left hand had a huge cut, but I managed to throw a pitchfork through his foot and hit his head with a chair so hard he got unconscious.. in the same adrenaline rush I unchained her and we fled in the woods..got into my Beetle and somehow even got to my small house. I got worse by every minute, I was trembling like a mad man when I got to bed by the end of the day. It was nearly twilight when the last rays of Sun touched her beautiful sad and tormented face, her green eyes were sour. The last thought before I knocked myself out was.. She’ll be safe here. I was there ready to sacrifice myself. When I woke up I couldn’t move my hands and feet, even a little twist in neck cost me agony, I was infected..but her presence soothed my pains, her smile made them bearable. For two days we lived like that – getting to know each other, finding common interests, becoming friends – she helped me to heal, I gave her a place to stay. I was happy I’d found her in the woods. On the third night, when I had a terrible fever.. I shook like a leaf of asp, she tucked me into another pile of sheets, leaned over me and kissed me softly. She was quite shocked, when I replied but stayed to guard my nightmares. Next morning her man broke in to my house. She had to flee away in fears again, I was too weak to defend her or even myself. As cruel as he was, he pushed his silver dagger through my neck..and as I died and gasped for breath I saw her blond hair in the reflection of the knife.

It was just a soft and tender kiss, but my lips are still burning and I can feel her breath, her smell is all around me. It’s like she’s with me right now as I’m writing this post, and she’s been with me this whole day. Her sad smile will not fade out of my memory.

Sometimes I fear to think that the world I live in while asleep is as real as the one I’m  in when awake. If that’s true I must be a coward to run away from the other world when there’re war and cruelty, that has to be fought against. If I have the ability to be between these two worlds, I have to be a hero to save them, otherwise I’m just a fake Alice in the Wonderland. On the other hand I always fight alone.. I’m weak and every time I wake up I’m  dead, unconscious or at least asleep, so maybe my time awake is just enough to regain the strength and life I have to fight again. When I’ll be strong enough to live forever.. I’ll never wake up from the sleep again.

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