Te nonāk viss, kam vairs nav vietas Helsas galvā

To stick like a limpet

Oh, look, you made the little fool smile again…but now she’s crying.  How do you deal with all the human thoughts? They’re dumb, worthless and breaks you down in pieces. They are not logical.. they’re based on fears. I fear to loose you. I don’t want to be on this war. Please, hug me. I love you. Please, don’t let me standing here all by myself alone. I need friends more than I need air. I can’t resist this world on my own. Now, that I am human again. Now, that I can feel again. Now, that I love myself and the world and my friends for real again. Now that I am really, really sensitive and fragile, because that’s how I was before I made myself strong. Now.. I am so afraid.. I could run with wolves. I could dance with the moon. I could cry the stars. I just feel all left alone again. Why don’t you call me? Why no one ever calls me? Am I a monster? I’ve got a heart you know. Now I do. Don’t say those nasty words to me.. you’re burning me down. Now that I’ve climbed down from my ivory tower. Can’t really expect others to appreciate it that much.. but please.. stay with me. I’m trying to catch every hand in the crew, every time I fail I cry, every time I get a friend, I stick like a limpet.. but you know what happens to them.. sooner or later they’re thrown away like something worthless. It’s really hard to be human. I didn’t want to make a whiny post.. but.. when you’re nailed to your bed like I am today..it’s really hard to be all happy and positive. When I was all logical and well.. reasonable.. I thought about these days like just resting and charging my batteries for the future.. didn’t care much of the others, as I was just a robot. I’ll tell you a secret.. robots do not need much of attention. Today it’s different. I am human, therefore I feel.. that’s why being all alone really means feeling lonely and left outside of the house.. when there’s sun shining and people laughing. I don’t want you to feel any kind of regret towards me.. therefore I’m being quiet. At the same point I’m just dreaming of somebody to text me and ask.. hey Helsa, how are you today? and I’ll lie and say hey.. I’m fine. Life’s great! And then.. if the one who’s calling really cares about me.. the lies will be recognized, and the truth will be demanded. But not today. You know.. that’s the worst part of being sick. You don’t really care about your pains and sufferings and feelings as long as you have someone to talk to. But when you’re sick.. you’re all alone, ’cause there’s no one who’d have enough time to comfort you. So you have to deal with yourself all alone. And that’s when all the dumb thoughts of betrayal and rejection comes. I think I just need a hug, someone who’d say.. Hey, it’s all gonna be alright, darling.

It wouldn’t be too much to ask for if I gave the same back. But for the last 5 years I’ve been so tearless I could catch colds from the ice in my soul. Guess I’ll just have to live on the tab for a while now🙂

Still.. life’s beautiful🙂 And I love this world!

2 responses

  1. TerisCA

    I wanted to be your friend, I wanted to show you that you are special, I wanted to give you all I have, but you refuse me. I can play my part, but cannot play yours. There was only one moment of happpiness and suddenly everything was gone…
    I did care about you but you didn’t notice it. All that you replied: “Don’t worry – I’ll be fine.” Friendship cannot be that cold, but you wanted…

    Maijs 18, 2011 plkst. 18:40

    • That was long ago. I was a different person back then. The past is for the past. And right now.. you’re trying to remind me of the past while I’m living for the future. So we’re not exactly on the same ground.
      You can blame me for all you want to.. but I just won’t care about those assaults, ’cause it’s no longer me you’re talking about.

      Maijs 18, 2011 plkst. 19:28

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