Perspectives

Well so yes..as you might already know – relationship fandango is taking a big part of my mind at the moment but I feel like I need to push it all out of my system so I can be a person again. 

On the very first date that I took her because she asked me to take her on a date and then guilt tripped me in to it a few months later when I didn’t t take her on a date at first (but somehow I am the one that has been pushing her into loving me..but alright whatever it too is also about the perspective) she asked me to give her a challenge and I did not think of it much so I just said that she should be my friend for a couple of months and she gave me a challenge of learning a song on ukulele. All is nice and sweet right..nope.. Somehow I fucked up and boy did that backfire. 

So she says now that me asking her to be my friend is pushing my friendship on her. I was just bloody insecure and saw her as this amazing girl who might like me so I had hoped we would be friends. How is that a bad thing? I did not seek for her weaknesses to strengthen because I do not do that first thing I see a person so I couldn’ t really give her a proper challenge.. It specially when she did not want to tell me much about her being all mysterious and shit. So fuck. 

She gave me a challenge to learn a song as she says so I could become better and be proud of myself. I see it as her straight away looking at me as some kind of a project that she needs to fix and I am not a fucking project. I am a person. But I learned the song anyway and I recorded it and I sent it to her to make her happy. It did not give me any satisfaction to look like a soppy shitty person in front of a camera – I am not a great singer and rather a horrible ukulele player at best and I know that and I do not mind..I only did it to please her. 

So now she says that this is exactly how we are different as personas because she has wanted to make me better (that’ s her  caring about me) but I have only cared about myself when I see it as her looking in to my weaknesses and expecting me to do the same to her when I really cannot and instead me looking at her as a goddess and wishing her to be good to me. I care for her why else would have I belittled myself for her own personal amusement? And I did not ask her to do a thing.. Which somehow is bad and suddenly wanting to be friends is borderline assault of personal space. 

I did want to and I still do want to become better for myself and also for her because I believe that we deserve the best of each other but should it not be on our own terms to want to better ourselves rather than the other person asking/challenging you to become better? I am always on a constant route to learn and understand and while it is true that very often I have major set backs because of anxiety and because of maita having yet another negative tantrum it does not erase my overall progress..nothing does. 

Now we don’ t talk.. It has almost been a week since we are not talking. I miss her. A lot.. 

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Hey hey hey

Hey 🙂 So I am back. What’ s new you ask?

On the 16th of January I had a laser surgery and now I can see the world with 100% vision. It really is quite amazing but I still need to take a lot of medication. 

I am a vegan now.. And it is super easy. Also I have a lot of really good friends that are giving me good advice and support. I do not understand why other vegans moan about the misunderstanding crowd and anger issues within. I am really quite happy with my diet and lifestyle changes. Maybe it is just me living in my bubble of good that I only see the good. But I don’ t know – being bravely bold and honest about why I have changed my mind again so far has not gotten me in any troubles at all. It has produced a really tall bill to pay tho so I don’ t understand the ” being vegan is an economically good decision for your household spendings” but I hope that once I’ ve paid for all the “vegan starter pack of supplements” the rest will come cheap haha Maybe the fact that I was never really high on meat and leather is the reason I do not see the drastic measures and culture shock. The 6 year old me is beaming with pride inside me as she frolics around the fields chasing butterflies and hating on the guy that killed the piggy in our country side yard all those years ago. And the teenage me is also quite happy with the decision putting her Chuck Taylor shoe down and asking me if I’ d like to go on another protest or do something fun like sign a petition or get a little annoyed about something of small importance. 

I live in Latvia. My big brother is extremely proud of me for leaving London and the life I lived there. It’ s not that it was a bad life it is that it was not healthy for me and every one from London that I see now tells me how much better and happier I look now and how they are truly happy for me. Apart from my ex girlfriend but then again she really has no idea how bad it was for me in London. I do know that this was a much needed good change and that now I am back to my old good self so I can rejoice and continue my life and get better. If I will want to return to dinners that cost half a grand and Moët mimosas for breakfast and all the posh clothes and weekends in Bahamas or Thailand then I will do it on my own terms now not crazy money schemes and gambles. I am on the other side of the tables now. Sometimes I get angry with people for their high expectations towards me – it really is quite stressful. For fucks sake I am just a very regular human being smarter than the average sure but no genius and I was not born with some crazy super powers. I am moderate with languages and alright with numbers and semi decent with social interactions. Sometimes I get lucky and get something really right but to be fair my greatest power is to attract amazing people around me haha. I read somewhere a silly inspirational quite that said ” I am not what you think I am. You are what you think I am” well.. If it truly is so then maybe I really am amazing after all but then a lot of people that I think are awesome.. Are not that great after all as they have said shitty things about me and then it must mean I have a poor judgement of greatness? Well fuck it all I just like to see the good side in everything and everyone and if that is a crime then sue me lol

I still have no real understanding of love. But I know that I can give a lot of love..sometimes too much. Then again maybe it is not me giving too much but the other person not explaining me clear enough that my love is unwanted. I obviously have no idea why would anyone ever reject love but then that’ s me as I’ m always thirsty for it and I can love myself al I want it does not make my room less empty and the chair next to me in cinemas and theatre plays never has a name of my partner. I have read books on love. I know about the 5 love languages and I can understand how everyone experiences receives and gives love differently. Most days I enjoy my own company so much I forget that I am absolutely alone though so I guess that’ s alright. There was a girl who said she would prove me wrong and show me that I am very loveable.. But then she left saying that the most patient person on earth cannot put with the level of insanity that I am. She also suggested I see a shrink so I could learn to love myself so I could find someone to love me as that is what I want. I can tell you one thing though – I love myself already so I do not need a doctor to help me with that. Maybe I need a doctor to help me become an egoistic creature that only cares about itself.. But if it is so then I rather skip the sessions. 

Tomorrow I will talk and maybe even draw a new tattoo and I’ m really excited for it so I better go to sleep now.
Btw Vegan Flax Seed Banana Pancakes are totally amazing and every squirrel in Hyde Park would be proud of the heaps of nuts and seeds and dried fruit that I have gathered in my nest. 

Reason why I’m single

I always want to believe people when they give me hope of happiness.. 

They give it because it’s cheap to them 

I take it because it means the world to me.. 

a hope to be happy is more than I usually have.
Then they walk away with everything I’d give to be happy 

I stay…empty

Destroying Sandcastles

You know when you sit on a beach and try to make the most beautiful sandcastle that would last for a long time. You put all your time and all your effort in it and you slowly grow attached to this sandcastle and it starts meaning a lot to you. And you are proud of it and you want to share your happiness with the others around you. You want them to be happy as well and you want them to know they can build a beautiful meaningful sandcastle for themselves as well or help building more around yours and enjoy it. You are happy the sun is shining and the water is warm and you’ve created something from almost nothing that didn’t mean a thing to you an hour ago but now you want to protect it and it makes you feel good.

Then your friends neighbours cousins strangers whatever comes around and decides it’s a good idea to jump on your sandcastle and destroy it. You are hurt and you really dont understand why maybe you are angry and you certainly feel like it’s not been fair but you try to hide it and laugh away because “oh it was just a sandcastle you can make a new one” or you try to rebuild it but the new one will not be the same and it won’t have the same found memories and naivity that the first one held because in your subconsciousness you already think of it being destroyed by somebody else. And surprise surprise it does..and continues up to the point where you no longer care of your sandcastles little towers and gates and windows and all the details and as soon as you’ve created it you jump on it yourself because that’s how insecure you are. But it’s not the sandcastles that have been hurt.. it’s your heart because you don’t see anymore that every single sandcastle is beautiful and worth of sharing. Your arms are tired of shedding away the tears and giving your heart away for free..but you still try.. you cannot stop trying.

Now I do not understand the people that come around and jump on your creation..they think it’s a joke..but what’s funny about hurting others and destroying their efforts in creating something wonderful? Does the nice soft sandcastle erupting under someone’s feet is feeling good enough it’s worth it? Or would a sandcastle that stays and can be joined in and built around stronger be more cherishable and beautiful giving more warmth not only to the creator but also to others?!

I am not the one to step on others sandcastles..and you know very well I am not talking about sandcastles at all

Depression

Living in Luxembourg made me strong and brave. It started with breaking my heart into thousand pieces by taking everything I had hoped for away..again. It continued with alienation of the society as I had no idea where I was and I knew no one around me living alone far away from everyone to even make social contacts with people and having no phone/TV/Internet. It made me start to smoke cigarettes. It took me through anorexia. It made me drink extensively. It made me depressed and I was going to school because it was necessary for my survival as a human being and sleeping for pretty much the whole weekends..that’s 2 long days of being completely alone in a tiny room without nothing but a pen and paper and some books every week plus the school holidays and damn is there a lot of school holidays in European School of Luxembourg. I went mad I invented people and talked with them I hit walls I had more panic attacks than I can count. I bought myself a pet rat and loved it but then decided that it’s wrong of me to keep it and I killed it. I did not hurt myself for I hated myself so much that killing myself seemed to be stupid I wanted myself to suffer because I thought that’s all I was for anyway. Anyone who reads through my Luxembourg day poems can see how destroyed my world was and how less of a human I had left in me. But Luxembourg made me strong and brave.
Luxembourg made me strong and brave as I found peace in waking up just before the sun was up and packing nothing but 2 slices of bread and a bottle of beer going for sometimes up to 8 hour walks in the forest and mountains..completely alone no way of knowing where am I going I was just walking the paths..and I kept doing that for months..just going for very long walks trying to meditate instead of thinking of the things that happened around me I tried to stop thinking altogether. It was abnormally hard to get out at first but every day it got a little bit better and after a while I started to trust myself a little more and think of killing myself a little less. The sadness in me had less and less power over me on daily basis and I understood that I am a survivor no matter how hard the life would hit me I could take it. 
Now Luxembourg made me strong and brave but it did not cure me. I still want to kill myself on most days and somewhere deep inside I still am utterly sad seemingly without a reason and sometimes I get all sweaty wet and screaming in my dreams and sometimes I stop breathing and sometimes I faint. There are things I cannot fight and illnesses that are incurable. But there is strength within that allows me to live seemingly carelessly and overall happily. And for that I can say thank you to Luxembourg.

Poetry

 
 Ak, sirdsapziņa, Tu mazā muļķe

Kādēļ Tu mani nomodā turi?

Jā prāts man krēslā zirnekļu tīmekļos sapinās

Tad Tu, mīļā mana, esi zirneklis
Ir saulaina diena, es debesīs veros

Pēc Tavas sejas ik katrā mākonī tveros

Uz taciņas ķiršu ziedi sabiruši

Es paslīdu un nobrāztiem ceļiem es redzu

Tavu sirdī trotuāra bedrē izbirušu 
Vakars? Nē, vakaru vakar pakars

Tagad ir iestājies pēcpusdienas karš

Es gribu 2 mēnešus atpakaļ būt

Es gribu savu sirdi atgūt 

Es gribu Tevi uz deju lūgt

Bet nebūs! Ir vakars rūgts
/Helsa/
Oh, conscience, you little fool

Why are you keeping me awake?

If my mind got trapped in the spider webs at dusk

Then you, my darling, are a spider
It’s a sunny day, I’m watching the sky

I seek for your face in every cloud

On trackway cherry blossoms have fallen

I slip and with abraded knees I see 

Your heart passed in the paving pit 
Evening? No, the evening will be hanged yesterday

The afternoon has proclaimed a war now

I want to be 2 months ago

I want my heart back

I want to ask you for a dance 

But nothing will be! It is evening bitter.
It actually is really hard to translate my own poems.. as in Latvian the words have a completely different rythm. But I haven’t written anything real for quite a while and I was actually surprised how easy it just burst out of me as soon as I took a pen and my book. 

2 Generations. 1 night. 6 nightmares.

Having really bad dreams lately

Yesterday had a dream that i’m fighting with someone in a pool..I won the fight but then when I got out I started pulling out pieces of my mouth teeth pieces together with gums and even just the whole upper bridge of the mouth and it seemed like it will never end there was more and more to take out leaving my face almost boneless.
Earlier today I had dream that I was on holidays on a beach side with my family and neighbours and we were having fun listening to music laughing and swimming in the crystal clear emerald water jumping off corrals and snorkelling then we met a real mermaid and it was even better a part of my family went to swim deeper while I stayed with the mermaid because I didn’t want to swim over this drowned Ancient Greek house remains and then suddenly a lot of people appeared and the mermaid had to go and hide as she could of not been seen by so many people but it was hard since the water was so clear and I had to run and hide all our expensive technology from the crowd as we had everything possible just lying there on the beach and I’ve got no idea did I actually got everything but someone called me stupid for hiding it badly and suddenly a different dream began.
Now I just woke up from a dream where me and my little brother goes on a bicycle ride and he’s done something to the steering wheel of my bicycle so it’s not perfect yet even though he’s done the best for me..as I’m riding over a bridge the steering wheel gets stuck and I drive in the cold dirty river. lucky enough I manage to jump forwards and grab some roots on the shore of the river holding the bicycle with my feet..my brother helped me getting out of the water but as I was getting out I slipped a little bit and the bicycle went down..I told him I’d go get it but he asked me not to bother.
There’s few things in common in all 3 of dreams.  There’s water, there’s my family and there’s material money loss. Think I have to be very careful for the next few days..

[Updated 10 min later] 
Called my mother told her about these dreams she listened and said that she’s had water themed nightmares as well last night 
Since one of the two cousins Artis still hasn’t been found in the Sea it deeply upsets my whole family obviously but see this is weird.
My mom had a dream that we were in Jūrmalciems and its summer time so we all want to go swimming but the locals say that it’s not allowed to swim in the waters because everyone who goes to swim drowns..we say it’s bullshit and go anyway..and as we are near the water someone starts to drown.
The next dream Artis has started to pull whole ships in the water to drown and people do not get killed only while my mum is on the beach but as soon as she leaves someone dies again. She asks why and he answers that he wants somebody to be with him as he’s utterly bored. 
The third nightmare makes me sick.. Artis is like a zombie sleeping on the side of the beach with a crowd of crows around him eating his flesh up..and he yells oh please burry me finally so that the crows stop pecking me!!! 
My mum cannot really swim in reality..we talked about this and guessed it’s just because we are really sensitive to the other side that we are the ones getting warnings and pleads from the dead… She said she’d call my granny to see what she’s got to say and my little brother to warn him not to go anywhere nearby water for a while. 

I love me

I have a heart. It’s huge. I’ve got so much love to give it makes me see everyone beautiful. I do not get mad I forgive before asked for forgiveness. I’m kind. It’s not a weakness it’s being stronger than most. I love myself and I surround myself with beautiful things. I love you and I will give my heart to you if you ever want it but it’s free and it’s mine and I can share. I do not look for the bad things instead I look for the good things within the bad situations. I am beautiful inside out. I care and l listen. I think positive. Sometimes I get sad sometimes I act silly but I am grateful for every one of my days and every one of my friends and every one of the beautiful encounters I’ve made with people. Im in peace with myself and therefore I am ready to go but I’m not in a hurry. I can be your best friend but it’s your decision to be mine. 
I am rich. Very rich. It is not the luxury of having loads of money but the luxury of having a heart that never stops loving and a mind that is not afraid to accept and forgive and a mouth that will speak it’s mind without being afraid of what ears will hear. It is the courage to ask Should I leave? Sometimes doing the wrong thing is right sometimes doing the right thing is wrong but it is me who goes home and goes to sleep calm knowing I’ve made my decisions right. And it is the strength to accept the fact that everyone is different and what seems right for them might seem wrong to me and be ok with it because I am not the one to worry. It is the strength to forgive myself if I’ve done something I did not want me to do and see how I can change it for better. I love myself and by loving myself I become more and more beautiful and the world around me gets better. Some people might want to use me some people will laugh at me but truly it’s me laughing inside for I am not the one who suffers. 

No heart?!

I do not pussyfoot around people with difficulties just because I see us all as equals. So he will die very soon. So fucking what? I or my mum or someone I really care about might as well die in next 10 minutes because of some shitty accident. It only means I have to be nice to people and appreciate their presence while they last. It does not give any fucking dying motherfucker a permit to be an asshole or be bad to people and if he chooses to I will not tolerate it just because the aforementioned asshole is going to die. Maybe I’m just so used to death around me that it does not bother me anymore. I only see it as parting till we meet again..like when someone goes on holiday in Sahara dessert and their phone dies and there’s no chargers and no way of contacting others apart from these tiny little villages with doggy post offices that only if a miracle happens will deliver the hand written letter as a spirit of a friend can sometimes contact me while I’m asleep. You can call me crazy but when someone dies all I do is say goodbye and ask kindly if the person/animal that was close to me and is dead now would say hello to the rest of the bunch and call out every name. That is a long list but that is how I remember and that is how I miss. Death is really nothing special. It’s living that is awesome and people should do more of it instead of being afraid of it. 

I do not pussyfoot around people in wheelchair or mutes or dummies because I believe that they would rather be treated like proper people and not some fucking special cases because they are not. Accidents happen grow stronger and get on with it. I’ve been suffering major back pains for the last 13 years and yes you can say so fucking what it’s just a back pain..well for you yes but for me it’s my daily life not knowing if I’ll get out of my own bed next day and yet I still abandon all my doctors and pain killers and just get on with it because otherwise I would be wearing that stupid corset that they gave me in the hospital and slowly kill all my back muscles and wouldn’t even have a proper life because I wouldn’t be able to walk for long distances stand at the bar for whole night run.. well I can’t have kids..that’s the only some sort of an issue that I cannot go around because of my back but it’s ok. It’s shaped my life decisions and I’m getting on with it pretty fine. And when I get shakes or when I lose my speech for a couple of minutes or when I lose sight and everything goes blurry or when I get pain in my chest so hard that I have to hold on to something it is alright. I just concentrate really really hard slap myself if needed and just get on with it. I don’t like to talk about my health because it is not that brilliant and if someone sees me when I’m not doing well even with my highly positive attitude towards life I’m still a little embarrassed and I can get angry if I’m embarrassed which is not good but it is human. I am sorry. 

Do I have a heart? Maybe I do and maybe I don’t but no one really knows what each and every one of us has been through and how hard has it hit them. All we see is now and we are equal no one is better or worse because of some shit that goes through their life and not a single person will receive my respect for being sick or special treatment. You respect me and I respect you right back. You love me and I love you. You treat me like shit and I will call out on you ask why and react in a way I see proper which is either to understand and forgive or to walk away. Yesterday is history. It is today that we are living with whatever we have right now.

Morbid liquid

It’s funny how right turns wrong

 
Saving my life takes it away


Sometimes it’s easier to stay strong


Serious stories turn into plays

Photos capture important nonsense


Open your heart let spiders crawl away


Change your precious memory lense


It’s all liquid that flows us astray 

Now did you drink the dirty water?


The one you spat in yesterday.


Oh no don’t tell me doesn’t matter


We live one day and it is today.