Well so yes..as you might already know – relationship fandango is taking a big part of my mind at the moment but I feel like I need to push it all out of my system so I can be a person again.
On the very first date that I took her because she asked me to take her on a date and then guilt tripped me in to it a few months later when I didn’t t take her on a date at first (but somehow I am the one that has been pushing her into loving me..but alright whatever it too is also about the perspective) she asked me to give her a challenge and I did not think of it much so I just said that she should be my friend for a couple of months and she gave me a challenge of learning a song on ukulele. All is nice and sweet right..nope.. Somehow I fucked up and boy did that backfire.
So she says now that me asking her to be my friend is pushing my friendship on her. I was just bloody insecure and saw her as this amazing girl who might like me so I had hoped we would be friends. How is that a bad thing? I did not seek for her weaknesses to strengthen because I do not do that first thing I see a person so I couldn’ t really give her a proper challenge.. It specially when she did not want to tell me much about her being all mysterious and shit. So fuck.
She gave me a challenge to learn a song as she says so I could become better and be proud of myself. I see it as her straight away looking at me as some kind of a project that she needs to fix and I am not a fucking project. I am a person. But I learned the song anyway and I recorded it and I sent it to her to make her happy. It did not give me any satisfaction to look like a soppy shitty person in front of a camera – I am not a great singer and rather a horrible ukulele player at best and I know that and I do not mind..I only did it to please her.
So now she says that this is exactly how we are different as personas because she has wanted to make me better (that’ s her caring about me) but I have only cared about myself when I see it as her looking in to my weaknesses and expecting me to do the same to her when I really cannot and instead me looking at her as a goddess and wishing her to be good to me. I care for her why else would have I belittled myself for her own personal amusement? And I did not ask her to do a thing.. Which somehow is bad and suddenly wanting to be friends is borderline assault of personal space.
I did want to and I still do want to become better for myself and also for her because I believe that we deserve the best of each other but should it not be on our own terms to want to better ourselves rather than the other person asking/challenging you to become better? I am always on a constant route to learn and understand and while it is true that very often I have major set backs because of anxiety and because of maita having yet another negative tantrum it does not erase my overall progress..nothing does.
Now we don’ t talk.. It has almost been a week since we are not talking. I miss her. A lot..