I always want to believe people when they give me hope of happiness..
They give it because it’s cheap to them
I take it because it means the world to me..
a hope to be happy is more than I usually have.
Then they walk away with everything I’d give to be happy
I stay…empty
You know when you sit on a beach and try to make the most beautiful sandcastle that would last for a long time. You put all your time and all your effort in it and you slowly grow attached to this sandcastle and it starts meaning a lot to you. And you are proud of it and you want to share your happiness with the others around you. You want them to be happy as well and you want them to know they can build a beautiful meaningful sandcastle for themselves as well or help building more around yours and enjoy it. You are happy the sun is shining and the water is warm and you’ve created something from almost nothing that didn’t mean a thing to you an hour ago but now you want to protect it and it makes you feel good.
Then your friends neighbours cousins strangers whatever comes around and decides it’s a good idea to jump on your sandcastle and destroy it. You are hurt and you really dont understand why maybe you are angry and you certainly feel like it’s not been fair but you try to hide it and laugh away because “oh it was just a sandcastle you can make a new one” or you try to rebuild it but the new one will not be the same and it won’t have the same found memories and naivity that the first one held because in your subconsciousness you already think of it being destroyed by somebody else. And surprise surprise it does..and continues up to the point where you no longer care of your sandcastles little towers and gates and windows and all the details and as soon as you’ve created it you jump on it yourself because that’s how insecure you are. But it’s not the sandcastles that have been hurt.. it’s your heart because you don’t see anymore that every single sandcastle is beautiful and worth of sharing. Your arms are tired of shedding away the tears and giving your heart away for free..but you still try.. you cannot stop trying.
Now I do not understand the people that come around and jump on your creation..they think it’s a joke..but what’s funny about hurting others and destroying their efforts in creating something wonderful? Does the nice soft sandcastle erupting under someone’s feet is feeling good enough it’s worth it? Or would a sandcastle that stays and can be joined in and built around stronger be more cherishable and beautiful giving more warmth not only to the creator but also to others?!
I am not the one to step on others sandcastles..and you know very well I am not talking about sandcastles at all
Living in Luxembourg made me strong and brave. It started with breaking my heart into thousand pieces by taking everything I had hoped for away..again. It continued with alienation of the society as I had no idea where I was and I knew no one around me living alone far away from everyone to even make social contacts with people and having no phone/TV/Internet. It made me start to smoke cigarettes. It took me through anorexia. It made me drink extensively. It made me depressed and I was going to school because it was necessary for my survival as a human being and sleeping for pretty much the whole weekends..that’s 2 long days of being completely alone in a tiny room without nothing but a pen and paper and some books every week plus the school holidays and damn is there a lot of school holidays in European School of Luxembourg. I went mad I invented people and talked with them I hit walls I had more panic attacks than I can count. I bought myself a pet rat and loved it but then decided that it’s wrong of me to keep it and I killed it. I did not hurt myself for I hated myself so much that killing myself seemed to be stupid I wanted myself to suffer because I thought that’s all I was for anyway. Anyone who reads through my Luxembourg day poems can see how destroyed my world was and how less of a human I had left in me. But Luxembourg made me strong and brave.
Luxembourg made me strong and brave as I found peace in waking up just before the sun was up and packing nothing but 2 slices of bread and a bottle of beer going for sometimes up to 8 hour walks in the forest and mountains..completely alone no way of knowing where am I going I was just walking the paths..and I kept doing that for months..just going for very long walks trying to meditate instead of thinking of the things that happened around me I tried to stop thinking altogether. It was abnormally hard to get out at first but every day it got a little bit better and after a while I started to trust myself a little more and think of killing myself a little less. The sadness in me had less and less power over me on daily basis and I understood that I am a survivor no matter how hard the life would hit me I could take it.
Now Luxembourg made me strong and brave but it did not cure me. I still want to kill myself on most days and somewhere deep inside I still am utterly sad seemingly without a reason and sometimes I get all sweaty wet and screaming in my dreams and sometimes I stop breathing and sometimes I faint. There are things I cannot fight and illnesses that are incurable. But there is strength within that allows me to live seemingly carelessly and overall happily. And for that I can say thank you to Luxembourg.
Ak, sirdsapziņa, Tu mazā muļķe
Kādēļ Tu mani nomodā turi?
Jā prāts man krēslā zirnekļu tīmekļos sapinās
Tad Tu, mīļā mana, esi zirneklis
Ir saulaina diena, es debesīs veros
Pēc Tavas sejas ik katrā mākonī tveros
Uz taciņas ķiršu ziedi sabiruši
Es paslīdu un nobrāztiem ceļiem es redzu
Tavu sirdī trotuāra bedrē izbirušu
Vakars? Nē, vakaru vakar pakars
Tagad ir iestājies pēcpusdienas karš
Es gribu 2 mēnešus atpakaļ būt
Es gribu savu sirdi atgūt
Es gribu Tevi uz deju lūgt
Bet nebūs! Ir vakars rūgts
/Helsa/
Oh, conscience, you little fool
Why are you keeping me awake?
If my mind got trapped in the spider webs at dusk
Then you, my darling, are a spider
It’s a sunny day, I’m watching the sky
I seek for your face in every cloud
On trackway cherry blossoms have fallen
I slip and with abraded knees I see
Your heart passed in the paving pit
Evening? No, the evening will be hanged yesterday
The afternoon has proclaimed a war now
I want to be 2 months ago
I want my heart back
I want to ask you for a dance
But nothing will be! It is evening bitter.
It actually is really hard to translate my own poems.. as in Latvian the words have a completely different rythm. But I haven’t written anything real for quite a while and I was actually surprised how easy it just burst out of me as soon as I took a pen and my book.
Having really bad dreams lately
Yesterday had a dream that i’m fighting with someone in a pool..I won the fight but then when I got out I started pulling out pieces of my mouth teeth pieces together with gums and even just the whole upper bridge of the mouth and it seemed like it will never end there was more and more to take out leaving my face almost boneless.
Earlier today I had dream that I was on holidays on a beach side with my family and neighbours and we were having fun listening to music laughing and swimming in the crystal clear emerald water jumping off corrals and snorkelling then we met a real mermaid and it was even better a part of my family went to swim deeper while I stayed with the mermaid because I didn’t want to swim over this drowned Ancient Greek house remains and then suddenly a lot of people appeared and the mermaid had to go and hide as she could of not been seen by so many people but it was hard since the water was so clear and I had to run and hide all our expensive technology from the crowd as we had everything possible just lying there on the beach and I’ve got no idea did I actually got everything but someone called me stupid for hiding it badly and suddenly a different dream began.
Now I just woke up from a dream where me and my little brother goes on a bicycle ride and he’s done something to the steering wheel of my bicycle so it’s not perfect yet even though he’s done the best for me..as I’m riding over a bridge the steering wheel gets stuck and I drive in the cold dirty river. lucky enough I manage to jump forwards and grab some roots on the shore of the river holding the bicycle with my feet..my brother helped me getting out of the water but as I was getting out I slipped a little bit and the bicycle went down..I told him I’d go get it but he asked me not to bother.
There’s few things in common in all 3 of dreams. There’s water, there’s my family and there’s material money loss. Think I have to be very careful for the next few days..
[Updated 10 min later]
Called my mother told her about these dreams she listened and said that she’s had water themed nightmares as well last night
Since one of the two cousins Artis still hasn’t been found in the Sea it deeply upsets my whole family obviously but see this is weird.
My mom had a dream that we were in Jūrmalciems and its summer time so we all want to go swimming but the locals say that it’s not allowed to swim in the waters because everyone who goes to swim drowns..we say it’s bullshit and go anyway..and as we are near the water someone starts to drown.
The next dream Artis has started to pull whole ships in the water to drown and people do not get killed only while my mum is on the beach but as soon as she leaves someone dies again. She asks why and he answers that he wants somebody to be with him as he’s utterly bored.
The third nightmare makes me sick.. Artis is like a zombie sleeping on the side of the beach with a crowd of crows around him eating his flesh up..and he yells oh please burry me finally so that the crows stop pecking me!!!
My mum cannot really swim in reality..we talked about this and guessed it’s just because we are really sensitive to the other side that we are the ones getting warnings and pleads from the dead… She said she’d call my granny to see what she’s got to say and my little brother to warn him not to go anywhere nearby water for a while.
I have a heart. It’s huge. I’ve got so much love to give it makes me see everyone beautiful. I do not get mad I forgive before asked for forgiveness. I’m kind. It’s not a weakness it’s being stronger than most. I love myself and I surround myself with beautiful things. I love you and I will give my heart to you if you ever want it but it’s free and it’s mine and I can share. I do not look for the bad things instead I look for the good things within the bad situations. I am beautiful inside out. I care and l listen. I think positive. Sometimes I get sad sometimes I act silly but I am grateful for every one of my days and every one of my friends and every one of the beautiful encounters I’ve made with people. Im in peace with myself and therefore I am ready to go but I’m not in a hurry. I can be your best friend but it’s your decision to be mine. I am rich. Very rich. It is not the luxury of having loads of money but the luxury of having a heart that never stops loving and a mind that is not afraid to accept and forgive and a mouth that will speak it’s mind without being afraid of what ears will hear. It is the courage to ask Should I leave? Sometimes doing the wrong thing is right sometimes doing the right thing is wrong but it is me who goes home and goes to sleep calm knowing I’ve made my decisions right. And it is the strength to accept the fact that everyone is different and what seems right for them might seem wrong to me and be ok with it because I am not the one to worry. It is the strength to forgive myself if I’ve done something I did not want me to do and see how I can change it for better. I love myself and by loving myself I become more and more beautiful and the world around me gets better. Some people might want to use me some people will laugh at me but truly it’s me laughing inside for I am not the one who suffers.
I do not pussyfoot around people with difficulties just because I see us all as equals. So he will die very soon. So fucking what? I or my mum or someone I really care about might as well die in next 10 minutes because of some shitty accident. It only means I have to be nice to people and appreciate their presence while they last. It does not give any fucking dying motherfucker a permit to be an asshole or be bad to people and if he chooses to I will not tolerate it just because the aforementioned asshole is going to die. Maybe I’m just so used to death around me that it does not bother me anymore. I only see it as parting till we meet again..like when someone goes on holiday in Sahara dessert and their phone dies and there’s no chargers and no way of contacting others apart from these tiny little villages with doggy post offices that only if a miracle happens will deliver the hand written letter as a spirit of a friend can sometimes contact me while I’m asleep. You can call me crazy but when someone dies all I do is say goodbye and ask kindly if the person/animal that was close to me and is dead now would say hello to the rest of the bunch and call out every name. That is a long list but that is how I remember and that is how I miss. Death is really nothing special. It’s living that is awesome and people should do more of it instead of being afraid of it.
I do not pussyfoot around people in wheelchair or mutes or dummies because I believe that they would rather be treated like proper people and not some fucking special cases because they are not. Accidents happen grow stronger and get on with it. I’ve been suffering major back pains for the last 13 years and yes you can say so fucking what it’s just a back pain..well for you yes but for me it’s my daily life not knowing if I’ll get out of my own bed next day and yet I still abandon all my doctors and pain killers and just get on with it because otherwise I would be wearing that stupid corset that they gave me in the hospital and slowly kill all my back muscles and wouldn’t even have a proper life because I wouldn’t be able to walk for long distances stand at the bar for whole night run.. well I can’t have kids..that’s the only some sort of an issue that I cannot go around because of my back but it’s ok. It’s shaped my life decisions and I’m getting on with it pretty fine. And when I get shakes or when I lose my speech for a couple of minutes or when I lose sight and everything goes blurry or when I get pain in my chest so hard that I have to hold on to something it is alright. I just concentrate really really hard slap myself if needed and just get on with it. I don’t like to talk about my health because it is not that brilliant and if someone sees me when I’m not doing well even with my highly positive attitude towards life I’m still a little embarrassed and I can get angry if I’m embarrassed which is not good but it is human. I am sorry.
Do I have a heart? Maybe I do and maybe I don’t but no one really knows what each and every one of us has been through and how hard has it hit them. All we see is now and we are equal no one is better or worse because of some shit that goes through their life and not a single person will receive my respect for being sick or special treatment. You respect me and I respect you right back. You love me and I love you. You treat me like shit and I will call out on you ask why and react in a way I see proper which is either to understand and forgive or to walk away. Yesterday is history. It is today that we are living with whatever we have right now.
It’s funny how right turns wrong
Saving my life takes it away
Sometimes it’s easier to stay strong
Serious stories turn into plays
Photos capture important nonsense
Open your heart let spiders crawl away
Change your precious memory lense
It’s all liquid that flows us astray
Now did you drink the dirty water?
The one you spat in yesterday.
Oh no don’t tell me doesn’t matter
We live one day and it is today.
I used to have a dog that had a very peculiar nature. Her name was Santa and she was a “pepper&salt” mittelschnauzer. For most of her life Santa was the only dog of the family in her house and therefore she would always be in the centre of attention and loved by everyone. Santa was a very smart dog and she knew how to be loved and grab everyone’s attention. Then my grandfather finished building the house and we moved in and got few more dogs..we got Jolla a beautiful but truly fat and lazy Bernese Mountain dog and my godfather got his first Laika for hunting and called him Rob but Rob got eaten by our neighbours stupid Caucasian Mountain dog Laris.. So then my godfather got a new dog and called him Michelangelo. Michelangelo is a Samoyed and it quite ironic because in Russian “Samoyed” sounds like eating oneself also he is the only one of the dogs mentioned in story that’s still alive. Meanwhile someone had tied to our fence a beautiful Rottweiler that we fed for a couple of days and then took in as one of our owns as no one would come after it..we named him Jack. Suddenly Santa was no more the only dog of the family for there were 3 more of them..what’s even worse for her shock was that everyone seemed to like and love the puppies more than her. Santa befriended Laris and would often go and play with him..as she was always liked by everyone..she just had her own charm and she would continue to do so even after the death of Rob. Day by day Santa grew more and more jealous of the other 3 dogs of the family and would start to do all kinds of nasty things to them like eating all their food or spilling the water..she never had done things like these before and we could see that she’s not happy and even though we still loved Santa just the same she was no more the centre of everyones attention..well one day Santa came up with a new plan of being popular between the other dogs and she suddenly completely changed her attitude towards them. Now Santa would go and be sweet with every single one of them individually making sure that everyone is her best friend but as soon as she would have a chance she would try to cause a fight between other dogs simply by biting two of them in the ass while they are close to each other but not looking and running away as if minding her own business. The other dogs were fighting for months not actually understanding why because they had been friends before and now they did not know if they could trust each other at all and would hide their treats from one another. Santa was feeling amazing everyone was her friend and would share with her and she was again the centre of love and attention she truly thought she had out smarted everyone by making them think bad of each other and only good of her. Well what goes around comes around and one day while performing her usual bite trick she did not see that Jack saw her doing it to the little ones and went for her..as Jolla and Michelangelo understood what’s happening they went for Santa as well..and she got hurt not quite physically but more by the fact that now every time she tried to make dogs fight with each other they would just go after her instead..her plot had been unmasked so she had to stop as she no longer had the respect of other dogs even though she was the eldest and no longer was she the centre of love and attention by anyone. Other dogs did not fight with each other anymore at all and were starting to trust each other again and share their treats with each other. And the life went on till Santa got breast cancer and died..Jack went to swim in the lake and never returned and Jolla died of old age. Michalangelo is still alive even though he’s very old now and he’s living together with 3 other dogs – Husky named Nero, a Shih-tzu called Coco and a Wire Fox Terrier Zuze who’s got some mental issues because she will just freeze and shake for a couple of minutes once in a while but that’s because her previous owners were assholes. They are all cool with each other..Nero has claimed to be the strongest alpha dog of the pack and Michelangelo has calmed down. The lesson I learned from Santa was very simple yet very human – by trying to make other people think bad of your “friends” you are not making yourself look better in anyone’s eyes quite contrary indeed for even your friends at one point will think..if she’s saying bad about those who she calls friends she must be saying bad about me as well…what is the point of fighting over nothing if it is not us that are causing the arguments?! By belittling others the only person that gets belittle is oneself. The way to someone’s heart and respect is not through other people intestines it’s through doing good for each and every one of them and telling good things of the person and other people that surrounds them to them and others for if you can see good in others it must mean you are good but if all you see is shit there must be something wrong with you. Negative emotions only make space for more negativity yet positive ones help the world to get better. And that’s why I can thank Santa for never really going behind anyone’s back to talk shit about them but rather stay quiet and let their voice and actions speak for themselves.
Helsas domnīca 